Straight from the heart....

Golden treasure

2010-05-04T14:25:00.001-07:00

I feel nostalgic for no rhyme or reason today. I keep thinking of those gone by days and wonder how different life was just about 4 years back from today. But change is inevitable, it has to come. And as we go on, we remember all the times we had together.

There are some innocent memories that I have carried along for so many years. Those days will never come back, every time I say this I feel choked, but this is true. Gone are those days when we were little kids who grew up from tiny tots to young adults just going to school every morning and coming back home all covered in mud. Gone are those days when we lined up by the nearby sweet shop to buy a mango toffee that can be broken into 4 equal pieces to be shared among all 4 friends. Gone are those days when we combined money to buy maggie packets to eat during sports time, when we waited to see what our friend had got for lunch, when we shared 1 aloo paratha among 10 of us. Gone are those long awaited sports days, those long winter vacations.

I wonder where that innocence is gone, why those young hearts got lost, how those simple smiles faded away. I wonder how we got so far, how we fail to recognize each other, how we have left those times behind which once was a part of our lives.

Gone are those Takhashila and Nalanda tuition days, PL sah ji's chemistry classes, Chowdhary's tikis and Sonam's momos. Gone are those times when we stole apples from chemistry classes, when we use to hit someone passing by with those rotten apples, and then hide somewhere to escape their scolding.

Trying to rush to classes to escape guys comments on too short or too long skirts, on hair clips being blue and not black, or on any non sense they would come up with :P . Trying to sneak out of the class during library period. Eating lunch in between class periods but still managing to make a very innocent face as if nothing is happening. Wonder where its gone, Wonder why its gone, Wonder how I let it go.

Those were innocent times, times which I can never re create. I may become rich, I may become famous, I may become the most successful person, but my heart will remain empty without the golden treasure of innocent times. The only hope that is lingering is the light of memories which atleast lets me smile when I am lost in thoughts of its golden treasure.

Snow storm

2010-05-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

I find myself peeping out of the window every night, looking at the moon, gazing at the stars. I see the trees almost torn down to pieces by the strong force of the wind. All of a sudden it starts to snow, and the moon.. the stars disappear. All that is there is just white snow slowly covering my entire sight.

Its all just my life. Life is like a snow storm, it is no ice cream and it's no chocolate that can be enjoyed to the fullest. It is the snow storm, some go out to face this storm and some sit at home without realizing the harshness of this storm. The ones who go out face all the troubles, and still make their way out of this storm. I never faced this storm for the first 17 years of my life. But now I encounter these storms everyday. They are just another part of my life. Every single day brings new challenges that we have to face, there is no option of giving up.

I try to face these challenges everyday, I try to make my way out of these storms everyday, I try to succeed in my life, in whatever I do. I win sometimes, I fail sometimes, but thats what life is. I dont consider my failure as something to be disheartened about. I just consider it as an opportunity for the opponent to win. Life wins we loose. Storms succeed we fail.

As everyday, I am peeping out of my window again. I have just overcomed another storm of my life, and I feel relieved. All of a sudden I see the moon peeping out of the white layer of clouds, stars start to twinkle again indicating the passing away of the storm.

The little Indian girl

2010-03-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

Days, months, and years pass by and I keep starring at the sky every night from my window and wonder where have these four years at Bozeman gone so fast. Yes, its four years now and life has completely changed in these four years. When I first came to MSU, it seemed like a big city in itself, a big maze where I would definitely get lost while going from wilson to cheever or gaines to cobleigh. Within Cobleigh itself I wondered at times as to which floor was I in. Even today in wilson, I cannot figure out which door to get in through when I need to go to the math department, its actually the worst architecture I have ever seen.

Well now after four years it all seems so familiar, these buildings, SUB, my department, gym, grant chamberlain, and everything around campus including trees have become such an important part of my life. These are the things I see every single morning when I get up and walk to the campus. The parking lot near plant bio-science has such great memories of me slipping in the snow every single day and then limping to SUB. Most importantly, my favorite duck pond where I found myself sitting every summer evening simply without a reason. Just because I loved the sense of being surrounded by the trees, listening to the quacking of the ducks, and the mild evening breeze refreshing my soul.

Besides nature, there are few people who might not be an important part of my life but are the ones whom I am used to seeing every single day. Professors, TA's, supervisors at work, and classmates. I sometimes meet my professors from the freshmen year, and its so amazing that they still remember me. Friends that I use to hang around with in dorms just shout with joy when they see me because I hardly get to see them now. Some previous work supervisors have not forgotten me either. It just fills me with joy to see how these people remember me even after four years. Some friends or teachers have a good image of me in their mind, some not so good. But everyone I knew or everyone who knows me from the first year has always remembered me as "The little Indian girl".

2010-02-01T21:28:00.001-08:00

When

The school reopened in June,

And we settled in our new desks and Benches!

When we queued up in book depot,

And got our new books

And notes!

When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays, yet

Managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.

We learnt writing with

Slates and pencils, and Progressed To fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips!

When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to Color pencils and finally sketch pens!

When we started calculating

First with tables and then with Clarke's tables and advanced to Calculators and computers!

When we chased one another in the

Corridors in Intervals, and returned to the classrooms

Drenched in sweat!

When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors, Playgrounds,Under the trees and even in cycle sheds! When all the colors in the world,Decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays!

When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table, Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!

When cricket was played with writing pads as bats, And Neckties and socks rolled into balls!

When few played "Kabadi" and "Kho-Kho" in scorching sun, While others simply played"Book cricket" in the Confines of classroom!

Of fights but no conspiracies,

Of Competitions but seldom jealousy!

When we used to

Watch Live Cricket telecast, In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks!

When few rushed at 3:45 to "Conquer" window seats in our School bus!While few others had "Big Fun", "peppermint", "Kulfi", "milk ice!" and "sharbat!" at 4o Clock!

Gone are the days

Of Sports Day,

And the annual School Day,

And the one-month long Preparations for them.

Gone are the days

Of the stressful Quarterly, Half Yearly and Annual Exams, and the most Enjoyed holidays after them!

Gone are the days

Of tenth and twelfth standards, when We spent almost the whole year writing revision tests!

We learnt,

We enjoyed,

We played,

We won,

We lost,

We laughed,

We cried,

We fought,

We thought.

With so much fun in them, so many friends,

So much experience, all this and more!

Gone are the days

When we

used To talk for hours with our friends! Now we don't have time to say a `Hi'!

Gone are the days

When we played games on the road!

Now we Code on the road with laptop!

Gone are the days

When we saw stars Shining at Night! Now we see stars when our code doesn't Work!

Gone are the days

When we sat to chat with Friends on grounds!

Now we chat in chat rooms.....!

Gone are the days

Where we

studied just to pass!

Now we study to save our job!

Gone are the days

Where we had no money in our pockets and still fun filled on our hearts!!

Now we have the ATM as well as credit card but with an empty heart!!

Gone are the days

Where we shouted on the road!

Now we don't shout even at home

Gone are the daysWhere we got lectures from all! Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing now....!!

Gone are the days

But not the memories, which will be Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and Ever and ever and ever.....

Gone are the Days.... But still there are lot more Days to come in our Life!!

Beauty...

2010-01-11T10:45:00.000-08:00

Just when the sun rose above the horizon, and when the birds started chirping, with mild morning wind giving kisses of fresh air all over the body, I noticed an old woman walking across the road. She was dressed up in tattered clothes, dirtiest one can ever see, fully ripped pair of sandals was what she had on her foot, and a small piece of cloth to cover her head. She had no jacket, no coat, no sweater to keep herself warm when rain poured down with all its might. My first impression was "urrrggggghhhhhhh...."

Well it was getting late, I had to go to a party. I went inside, took out the best clothes from the closet, well ironed ones, dressed up neatly, put on matching headband and wore matching shoes. Everything looked good, I was dressed up for a party. I was all set.

I was overjoyed by the overwhelming compliments that I got from my friends. Those compliments made me feel even better of myself. I thought I looked good. I went to the restroom every other minute to check if my hairs were alright, if the makeup was fine, or if the dress looked okay.

When it was too late, I bid farewell to everyone and took off for home. On my way back home I saw the same old woman I had seen in the morning. Her dirty clothes were even dirtier now. She was breaking stones at a construction site with 30 other men. I was stunned.

All that urgggghhh went away. All of a sudden I found her wonderful. The sweat that covered her face showed me the worth of mild breeze that cools the heat off. When it dripped off her forehead it looked like the pearls in the ocean. She was beautiful, she was amazing, and I looked ugly standing in front of her. Her torn and dirty clothes had more richness than my glamorous party dress.

That dirt she carried had marred her beauty, pain had snatched away her smile, and everything she had, was hidden behind an enormous black and ugly giant called poverty.

She was beautiful not because she looked amazing but because she had the courage to fight against her poverty, because of her strength to stand alone along with 30 men and do the same work as they did, and because even after bearing the pain of poverty and hunger she still seemed to hope for a better future of her children.

Without saying a word I got back into the car and drove back home. I looked myself at the mirror. Everything I thought looked pretty a few hours back suddenly started looking ugly. Nothing looked beautiful, the true beauty resided in that dirt that covered that woman. The true glamor was hidden in the strength to fight hunger. True richness was in nothing else besides the courage to face poverty.

Its all coming back to me now...

2010-01-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

Its all coming back to me, things that were there a long time ago are again back with me. Feelings that were lost after a certain point of time, have stirred my heart again. Its always separation that tears me down. It shattered me a while ago, and yes it has again torn me down. My heart is again flooding with a stream of uncontrollable emotions. Fear, pain, tears, faith, hope, dreams, and love. This agony leaves me with numerous unanswered questions....

What's the relation of the flute to the music that came out of it?

What's the right of a dad on his daughter who is departing from him?

Why is a tree lonely after a train crossed it like a wind?

What's the message that relationships pass in life like a passing cloud?

What's the plot created by the creator to get wisdom through affection?

History seems to have repeated itself... this time with even more cruelty.

If

2009-10-08T17:58:00.001-07:00

If there is a something that can put a limit to my emotions,

then let me put that limit, for my emotions are flooding.

If there is a stop to my wishes and expectations,

then let me put that stop, for my expectations are increasing.

If there is something that can drift my mind to something else,

then let it drift, for I am too diverted by this very thought.

If there is something that can raise my spirits,

then let it do so, for my spirit is dying.

But If only someday I can stop loving you, that will be the day I will stop missing you,

for that will be the day, when my spirits will revive.

Memories, moments, and treasure.

2009-09-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

There are very few moments in our lifetime that we vividly remember, moments that are etched in our minds like golden words, moments which one minute we live and enjoy but the next minute starts its process of turning itself into beautiful memories. These memories become a part of us, something we cherish throughout our life, something that has the power to contact our heart. But it is so amazing that throughout our life there are very few moments that we remember, and that stay with us as a memory of the gone by days.
In my 21 years of life, how many moments do I remember? How many people have I met and how many of them have become an essential part of my life? Just a few. I remember my first bike, my first day of school, my first salary, my first car, my first crush, my first failure, my first success, the first time I made my dad proud, the first time I hugged my sister after a big fight, the first time I saw my brother, and an year later I will be able to say my first graduation. But these are not the only days I have seen, I have lived 21 years of my life, but then why do I remember just 7 or 8 moments? Where did the rest of the days go? Why are some moments so precious and others neglectful? I dont think I have an answer to this. There will be other moments too that will come and stay with me, and the rest will just pass by without even leaving a spot behind. But does it mean that my life is terrible because I have just 7 or 8 precious moments? Not at all. I think that has made my life even more wonderful. I hear these memories echoing every night, I see myself smiling, and I am back to that wonderful time. Its just a dream world now, world that was real once, world which is nothing more than a memory now.
All these memories play a special part in bringing joy and opening the latch strings of the heart. It is sad to know that all the things that use to be, like the first bike, first day in school, last day in school, are all locked behind the door that says 'nevermore'.
All I want is to create such special moments, that make our life wonderful. I want to add few more my first's to my short list of memories. Like my first graduation, my first house, my first job in the company, and then maybe my first day as a CEO.
I am living in the present, looking forward for a bright future, but still trying to recreate fond memories of the past. Life is wonderful, full of memories, moments, joys, and happiness. All we need to do is find them. Search for life and there is it right infront of us, ready to embrace us in its lovely arms of joy. Our past has very beautiful moments hidden in it, all we need to do is find the real treasure.

Friends Forever :)

2009-08-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

I miss being the part of those lovely, childish, innocent days where there was just me and you. I miss the days when we laughed our hearts out for anything as stupid as 'pungi', shared every secret, made fun of every single person that came to our mind (DK Bose), and sobbed at the thought of separating. I miss those songs we sang together and times we danced at the rhythm of those songs. What about going to Baskin Robbins when it was just about to close, sitting outside Rosaeurs at 2:00 am, late night drives, eating at taco bell and burger king, and watching the dumbest movie ever made in bollywood. I miss jumping on the bed in 'cops' music. I miss your complaints about making your house dirty and sleeping all the time.
I miss each and every single dinner we had together, our small small unnecessary fights,our childish gestures, our oooozz aaazzz and eeezzzz, and splashing water on each others face. I miss that cute childish smile you often gave after being scolded by me, that nautanki face you made all the time to escape my scolding, and saying 'hi' every time you made a mistake.
Every night when I lay awake on my bed, I wish you come back to Bozeman and bring back those times that we seem to have left behind. I miss you when I drive because there is no one sitting besides me to shout at me, to guide me when I go wrong, and still enjoying my driving. I miss your food, I miss your anger for tiny tiny things, and I also miss the sock on your burnt hand that I refused to wash often. lolz
There is nothing more pure than the bond of friendship, the love that ties the bond is greater, deeper, and stronger than any distance. For all I know is you and I are Friends Forever.

20 most random things about me.

2009-08-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Even before I was born my parents wanted to name me as 'Abhimanyu' because they thought it would be a boy, and were very upset when I turned out to be a girl simply because they couldn't name me as 'Abhimanyu' .
I am very fond of pink color and that is why my friends call me with names associated with pink like pinky or even pinkeshwari. lol...
Sharukh was my first crush, and I wanted to marry him until I was in class 5. It was then when I came to know that he was already married. :(
I can be extremely sentimental at times, it just depends on what it is and who it is. When everybody was awarded titles like 'Miss Glamorous' or ' Miss Sensuous', I was awarded 'Miss Sentimental' in our 12th standard farewell. lol
There are very few people who are important and special to me. My parents are one of them.
My dad has been my strength, support, and ideal at all times.
When people say I resemble my mom from top to bottom and I even sound like her, I simply love it, even though my mom gets pissed off. hehehe.
I love sleeping, I can sleep at anytime possible but the best time to sleep is when I have a book in my hand.
My sister and I are made to fight with each other. We fight for an eraser, lollipop, pencil, sharpner, and anything as small as that. But when it comes to fight with a cousin, we both get together and play as a team ;).
The moment that is very clear in my mind is when I first held my baby brother in the hospital room. I have never ever felt that delight again.
I was the only child in my family for quite sometime, until my sister was born and that is why I was so pampered. I hated my sister for this reason because all the pamper went on her side and nobody paid attention towards me.
I love sitting by the lake in the evenings and think about everything possible.
I could not find a place as quiet and peaceful as Naini lake in Bozeman, but I enjoy sitting at the duck pond whenever I am upset.
I am crazy about yellow roses. If I see a bunch of yellow roses I would stop there itself and keep admiring them. :)
I have spend the most wonderful times with Nat. Both of us seem to be living in some fairy tale and doing crazy stuff. Eating ice creams at 2:00 am, singing songs together, and making weird gestures that nobody can even think of, are few things that I can never forget.
I am very scared of ghosts. I will stay awake the whole night and watch out for ghosts if I watch a scary movie. lol
Music is an important part of my life. It sets my mood right, refreshes my mind, and makes me belive that life is wonderful. :)
I could be the meanest person in the world if it is needed, though I havent got a chance to do so until now.
If I am asked to describe love, I would definitely say that 'Love is Friendship'. Friendship brings two people together and Love binds them forever.
Last but not the least, something that I have learnt and realized recently is we meet simply to part, and we part simply to meet again. Parting is nothing but the joy and hope to meet again, and bring back the times we leave behind.

Turning 21!!!

2009-06-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

One year has again passed by,

Time has wings and is set to fly,

Another birthday is round the corner,

and my heart is filled with disgust and horror.

Turning 21 is not what I dream,

The very thought of it makes me scream.

21 means drinking is what everybody says,

and I freak out when I see those approaching days.

But I still love the candles and the cake,

Would surely want some more birthday cakes to bake.

No matter how old I am,

I will still remain a rockstar's fan.

Will still expect birthday gifts,

with nice yellow roses my mind drifts.

Balloons and bells for the occasion,

Is what I need without a reason,

I finally hope that things will be fine,

As I hear the birthday bells chime.

In God we Trust!

2009-06-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

When I first learned to read and write, I was made to read books that described god's existence and god's power. When I first went to school, my teacher told me that god is the creator of this universe and wherever we go, his eyes are always watching us. I can make a mistake and hide it from everyone, run away from everyone and hide myself in the closet to escape everybody, but I can never hide myself from god. He will creep through the darkest corners to reach me, and punish me for every single mistake I make. I started believing that "God" was some kind of a creepy creature that looks for kids who make mistakes, scares them, and punishes them. I hated God. Now, at this point of time I definately dont think that god is some kind of a creepy creature, but I am not sure how true his existence is. Does god really exist? Has anybody seen god? How does god look? These are some small questions or maybe irrelevant too. But there are other questions that come in my mind every now and then.

My mom says god is everywhere. My dad says, god helps those who helps themselves. My aunt says god will always protect his children, and my uncle says god is great. Then, where was this great god when thousands and thousands of people died in Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bomb blasts? He was suppose to be everywhere. How does he see millions of his children dying in a terrorist attack every year, when he loves and promises to protect all his children? Why does he let a mother raise a terrorist? Why do people fight in the name of religion? Why does hatred continue to grow? Why is his one child ruling the world and the other lying shattered in some corner of an isolated street? Why is there plenty for one and while the other's hands are empty?

Does he fail to see the mother who is carrying her dead five year old child who just died in a terrorist attack, does he not feel a father's pain of losing his son? Why is man killing man? Why does man forget to feel the pain of animals? When millions of lives are lost in a terrorist attack, does he not see orphans and widows? Where does he hide himself at the times when the world really needs him? Why is he never there to wipe off the tears of humans that go through the pain of losing their parents, brothers, sisters, or children? Why is he letting his creation get destroyed by the hands of his own children?

I can never trust god, I can never rely on his existence. Maybe Hiroshima and Nagasaki incidents are too big to argue about, maybe fighting and killing in the name of religion is also something that I may not know about very well. But, where was this god when I prayed every single night for someone's life? Why did he never answer my prayers? Why did he not give us the strength to overcome the grief? I prayed to god for life of someone, and he never answered my prayers. If he was deaf enough to not hear my prayers, then I am blind enough to ignore and witness his presence. No matter what the world calls me, call me an atheist, I simply dont care, because I dont see god doing anything great for me. I dont see god answering a single prayer of mine. All he has shown me is a mother grieving over a dead child and a woman over her dead husband.

God is nowhere, God does not exist atleast for me. God for me, is just a three letter word without meaning and life and no matter what, there will be no life in this three letter word ever.

Success!!!

2009-06-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

Being frustrated for a very long time, I finally magaged to get a Research Assistant job for this summer too. Last summers the job was boring, even though it was so much of my interest, my working style and my professor's neglect towards my work ended up in turning the most interesting field into the most monotonous job ever. Lasers and optics has always been my interest, but for some reason whether it was me who was reluctant or it was my professor under whom I was working, negligience that bored me to death. I got into the assistantship job this summer too, and I have no words to express how happy I was at the beginning. It did not take much time for my fears to take over my happiness as I soon found myself surrounded by tons of questions and worries. I was worried if the work again would be the same as last year's, if it will still bore me to death. I was not sure if my experiments will work out this time, as they did not work very well last summer. I was soon losing confidence thinking that I might not get the results. But all's well that ends well. I started my work and to my utter surprise my programs worked. My fears started to vanish and I was gaining my lost confidence again. I hope my programs keep working like this, and I hope things dont screw up. Not sure how long this happiness of work success will last, but for now it is joy at its limit and I am enjoying it to the fullest.

Land of dreams!!!

2009-05-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Far across the distance, where the nights are blue, I see the world waiting for just me and you. I see that land that shines with all its might, the land that gets clearer with every passing night. My imagination takes its form, and I see just me and you under the bright new moon that starts to hide behind the softest blanket of clouds. I stand on the other shore and wait for the heavenly boat to take me to the land I dream of, I await every single night for angels to lift me up on their gentle wings and fly me to the land of my dreams, to the land unknown. Right when I take forth a step towards the boat, I trip down and see myself all alone. Besides the land I dream of, is the land of my goals. I know not now, which boat to take, which land to go to. The land of my dreams is the land where there is love, where there is you and me, where the mighty ocean smiles infront of us, and the huge mountains bow before us. The land of my goals is the land where love is lost, where there is I-me-and-myself, where there are hopes, aspirations, and inspirations. Land of my dreams is the land that has the beautiful castle of love, with delicate angels all around, and bestowed gifts of mother nature. On the other hand, the land of my goals has huge iron pillars that my parents have built, dreamed, and acknowledged. It has the bars of success that I have to reach. I has no pretty angels and no love bestowed. All it has, is struggle. Struggle to climb the bars and reach the top of the iron pillars. I fall and I rise, I swim across the deadliest ocean and I walk along the thorniest bushes. I know there is lot to go, lot to suffer, and lot to gain.

I love the land of my dreams, the land where there is just me and you. World where troubles are small and fortunes are big, but still I chose the boat which takes me to the land of struggle. I gave up the beautiful castle and gentle angels, and rode towards the huge iron pillars. Because I know, that the land of my dreams is imaginary, it will dissolve and vanish in the cold morning dew as soon as the night is over. I will drown in the sea that holds this land, whereas the land of goals will stand forever even in the midst of wildest storm, and there I will be standing at the top of the pillar, smiling at the ladder I climbed, thankful to the ones who helped me see this land of goals when I could see nothing besides the land of love.

Will I then look at the night sky and dream about the beautiful castle land or will I build a castle of gold for myself? Whatever be it, Wherever I go, I would still wish if it was me and you.

Those were the real days!!!

2009-05-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

True goes the saying, 'We could have never loved the earth so well if it had no childhood in it.' My childhood was kind of completely different than what I have now grown up to be. For a girl who is presently in United States and has learned to adapt to the U.S culture, it is unbelievingly hard to imagine her inital days of life in a complete so called 'gaon type' way. Yes!!! It was exceptinal 'Dehati' days of my life, when I played in the mud with my friends, cousins, and neighbors, hid myself in the hens coop, climbed the trees to pluck oranges and pears, ran after the ginnipigs, and waited for the hens to lay eggs. Those were the days of extreme joys, taking the eggs layed by the hens and breaking it to see if a chicken would hatch out of it as it did in the 'Tom and Jerry Show'. That according to me was sweet innocence, because I remember us getting upset when we made a mess without seeing any chicken out of the egg. With high hopes and aspirations we would again wait for the next egg to be layed wondering if a chicken would hatch out of the new egg. This continued until our innocence started fading, and chicken out of an egg and 'Tom and Jerry Show' started seeming stupid slowly. Truely, innocence has no enemy other than time.

Playing in the mud and climbing the trees, were the sweetest days of my life. For some, it does seem stupid, but for me those were the real days. I still miss the days when I lit a lamp when there was an electricity cut out, when I has to take out milk from the cow, and wait for hens to lay eggs. I do miss the days when I celebrated each and every single festival with all my friends and family, be it Diwali, Holi, or even Lohri. I still miss that part of my life where I struggled and stayed in discomfort, and I prefer to be in discomfort even though I am enriched with all the independence and all the comforts of life, here in the States, because that's what I am meant to be with. But that is the land of lost content, I see it shinning plain, the happy highways where I went, can never come back again.

Regrets and Sorries...

2009-04-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

I started blogging about myself, my world, my pains, and my pleasures. I shared my emotions and expressed my thoughts though this blog of mine. Ever since I started writing this blog, its always been about I, me, and myself. I wonder if I had been selfish enough to forget about the most important person in my life. Apparently yes, I have been selfish in forgetting the goodwills for someone very dear to me.
God bestowed me with someone so strong, yet so gentle. Someone who has been my shadow wherever I went, a cushion when I fell, and a support whenever I staggered. There is no one else besides her who has a voice of an angel, a heart of gold, and a touch of warmth. You have the power to soothe my disappointments, understand my tears, and calm my fears.
I remember the times I fought with you, your unselfish love would forget everything and forgive me for the biggest mistakes I made. When I was mean enough to fight with you for the mistakes I made, I never realized that you cried each night, without my knowledge. When I hurt you by not listening to you, I was ignorant enough not to realize that you were angry. And when you got angry, I never ever bothered to say sorry to you. I never felt the pain you went through, never understood the tears you shed for me, and never saw the prayers you did for me. I never saw the distress hidden behind your sweet smile. All I saw was myself.
You might have painted no Madonnas on chapel walls of Rome, you wrote no lofty poems and carved no shapeless marble, nor have you built any cathedrals that centuries applaud. But with you divine touch MOM you lived a Madonna in your home and in my heart. You carved no marbles mom, but you shaped this soul of mine which no matter what the world calls I would call it a perfect creation of my mother, my angel.
You have been my Shepard, protector, and guide. A teacher, nurse, and a counselor, and most of all my best friend. Back then I never understood why, why you always cared so much. Now I see through your eyes and all I see is love. I am sorry for the nights you cried for me, I am sorry for that mistake I made, and I am sorry for not listening to you when I should have. All I can say now is I luv u mom... I love you from the bottom of my heart.

simply awesome

2009-02-19T19:04:00.000-08:00

Just like the morning dew, tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on the ground, as I touched a body as cold as ice. It was a night as silent as the night when Jesus was born. It was no fog but the floating drops of tears in my eyes, that blurred my vision. I looked around to see nothing else but mournful gestures, distress, and pain. Among all the distress, all the pain, all the fog, and all the tears, something was as pretty as a blooming flower. She was beautiful. She was amazing. She was wonderful. She was nothing but a dead body now. Yes! A dead body. Far from all the pain. Apart from all distress. She lied peacefully on her death bed, fast asleep, dreaming. Never wake her up again. One marvel of the earth was heading towards the sky to meet the stars, and we would not stop her, for her life is wonderful now.
I came out of the house, it was already evening. As I looked at the sky, I saw the birds retiring to their nests. And as the birds retired to their nests, I saw a soul, that lived with us, retire as well and fly towards heaven, leaving all the griefs and distress behind. It was a beauty.

Short Trip to India

2009-02-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

"oh how the years go by, oh how the love brings tears to my eyes"
As the cold night winds took over the faint heat of February, and the moon just peeped out of its cozy white blanket, for it was now time for him to wake up, I was taken exactly one month back. It was in the month of January, that I was sitting all alone at the Delhi airport ready to get back to the US. My brief visit to India, was one of the most memorable visits. Sitting in one extreme corner of the airport, a whole bunch of memories flashed in my mind, stream of emotions swirled in my heart, leaving me with floating drops of tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart.
To a common person, there was nothing special in these 20 days or extraordinary that I did. I was with my parents, all the time, at home. But there was something unique, something special, that gave me immense joy. Something to cherish hereafter. There was a sweet touch of innocence, feeling of love, and a sense of respect, in these few days.
I enjoyed every second of the day, I enjoyed the rising sun, I enjoyed the night sky, I enjoyed the rain, and I enjoyed the snow. All small bits of nature gave me a heavenly pleasure which cannot be put into words. I fell in love with the nature, I loved the leaves rustle, I sang with the birds, I felt the beauty of sunset, and I observed the calmness of night. All these things, that seemed to have been lost long back, came back to my life again.
But then, all was lost again, in just one sweep, and I was left with nothing more than a heavy heart. I wonder if that innocence would come back to me, if that long lost love would find me again. Will nature take me back into her arms again? Will I ever sing with her?
Trying to rescue myself from the strong clutches of memories, and release myself from behind strong iron bars of pain, I walk on the boulevard of broken dreams.

Tribute to the Nation

2008-11-30T12:47:00.000-08:00

As I wake up early morning now, I no longer see a clear blue sky, I no longer see a smiling sun rising up from the horizon, and I no longer see people making a new start of the day in a joyful manner. What I see is the sky covered with gray specs of horror, and people with a fear in their heart of what the next moment will bring for them. November 26, 2008 has created a history, something for the world to remember, to mourn for their loved ones, pay tribute to the ones who lost their lives, and salute to the Indian army who fought against terror. Recent blasts and firing in Mumbai has shown the worst face of terrorism to all the humans. At this moment, I would like to express my feelings towards the whole incident.
I feel disgusted, sad, and shocked. At the same time, I pray for all those people who have been affected by it in one way or the other. I feel immense respect for all those people who fought against terror, to save their motherland. A salute from the bottom of my heart to all the brave souls.
Sitting miles away from my country, the most I can do for my motherland, is to be her daughter, a citizen. I am reminded of the Indian pledge "India is my country, All Indians are my brothers and sisters".
I have no such memories attached with Mumbai, all I have is a faint memory of my visit to Mumbai. Therefore, I cannot say I sat at the Taj cafe and have spent the most memorable days, I cannot say I sat neat the gateway enjoying the sunset with few of my best friends, all I can say is that I am seeing my country burning, and my heart bleeds to see it burnt down to ashes when I sit here helplessly. All I can do is pray and that's what I will do.
We live in a Brutal world, unfair to the innocent.....
I await for the day when the setting sun of human race would rise again, and when I can again see a clear blue sky early in the morning.

mona lisa smile...

2008-11-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

When I was first asked to describe love, I was immature enough to say that its a four letter word that starts with 'l' and ends with 'e'. As I got a bit mature I could define love as what parents have for their children, and what I have for my brother or sister. When I first fell in love I defined it as a single soul residing in two separate bodies. And now as I sit alone, thinking about my past in a small pale light that comes from a distance, I think about defining love and I am left speechless. It's a perfect blend of emotions and memories that cannot be put into words. Its a sweet sorrow that I feel now, a pale shadow of gone by days, and an everlasting pain given by the heavy wounds of memories. Its a whole bunch of promises and sacrifices, a complete flow of words full of emotions and meaning- promises that are hard to keep, sacrifices that seem stupid later on, emotions that fade away and ultimately the meaning goes away.
I have undergone a tremendous change in my personality, something that is noticeable to all. The truth lies inside me, for others its madness, for me its a way to come out of my past. Its a way to bring back a lost and faded smile, to bring back that happiness that I have left behind, and most importantly a way to look at life in a different way and move forward.
And as I look right outside my window, I wonder if things would ever get back to normal, but as I see the moon peeping out slowly from the midst of the cloud's cover, I see a hope for myself to smile back again.

Footprints Faded Forever

2008-10-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

Many broken pieces,
Shattered now apart,
What can I do to mend it,
To mend my broken heart?

I walk alone on the beach,
Leaving footprints cold and bare,
How can I enjoy the sunset,
When there is no one to share.

There use to be a pair of footprints next to mine,
But now washed away with waves,
and shifting sands of time.

All I can do now,
is remember how things were,
The good times not the bad times,
which caused my heart to stir.

The bind will always be there,
The friendship intact,
But the time for us has come and gone,
And the pages of time you can't turn back.

Feel the pain...

2008-10-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

The lamp still shines,
The light is still bright,
makes me believe you'll be by my side,
It makes me understand, you'll still hold my hand,
I'll have you by my side,
You'll walk and be my guide.

I miss your world, I miss you,
Your suggestions too.
I miss you, your care too.
I miss you, your love too.
Where have you been?
Where are you?
Nowhere to be seen, Nowhere to be found.

Defining the undefined Love

2008-07-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Love is....
When the wails of a new born baby, tugs at the heart of his mother.
When you trade your favorite aeroplane with a broken baby train of your brother.
When a broken legged dog, still limps up to his master dear.
When each father thinks that his daughter is the prettiest one.
When someone's memories are still with you, even though he is no longer there.
When you empty your piggie bank to get your brother a teddy bear.
When on your graduation, your father cries.
When your sister tells a lie to hide your lies.
When two souls are together even though they are worlds apart.
When a small chubby face brings your eyes a tear.
When the world abandons you, you know someone's there.
AND...........
When while writing this poem
I THINK OF YOU.

Life's getting shorter

2008-07-16T22:03:00.001-07:00

My first most vivid and broad impression about identity of elements is a memorable raw afternoon towards an evening. In the month of warm july Nainital was flooding with the heavy masses of water that the sky poured. I was turning 3 years old that july, and my dad had thrown a big party. I have no idea what my first two birthdays were like, but the third birthday is not too young not to be remembered. The night before, my dad who had promised me to get a dress for my birthday came home empty hands. I got really upset about not being able to wear a new set of clothes on my birthday. I cried and cried and was taken over by sleep. Early morning I was given a big surprise by a nice pretty dress that was sitting on my bed. For a three year old kid, what can be a bigger reason to get happy about. My happiness knew no bounds. With all my childhood friends I had a great birthday.I just turned 20, and I see no difference in my behavior, I still find myself waiting for people to wish me 'Happy Birthday', expecting gifts, and wearing new dress. But no matter what even I know that things won't be the same. I cannot compare myself to being as innocent as I was then, when a wilted flower as a birthday gift would cheer me up. This was the first birthday when I was not with my parents, and it was screwed up because of few sad incidents that took place just two days before my birthday. The saddest part was that my parents were not able to wish me, and even now they have not called me. The ones who have always been the first ones to wish me for the last nineteen years, were not able to call me up, when for the first time on this day I was away from them.On the other hand, I have started talking a bit sensibly now, and have also started to look mature. I guess, this is how life goes, the older you get the more responsible and sensible you become. It is hard to accept that I am getting older, and it is getting depressing for me every year to see my birthday approaching. Birthdays now seem to cut my life short, as I am growing older my life is getting shorter.Lastly, I should not forget to mention the nice ice cream cake that my friend got for me, at 7 o'clock in the morning instead of 12 o' clock. With that, as I cut the cake, I missed all those people who had been with me for last nineteen years but this time were left behind in India. I missed the ones whom I expected to be present but who left Bozeman just one day before my birthday. Lastly, I missed someone who recently passed away, someone who had always been close to me, someone very dear to me, and the one who had always been there on my birthday. May that person rest in peace, Amen.

13 Golden years in Ramnee

2008-07-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

The mild evening breeze has started taking over the heat of the warm july, the sun is beginning to lose heat and the stars are preparing to twinkle in the clear night sky. Its that time of the day when you can see no sun or moon but experience the warmth of both. With all the changes that the nature is undergoing, I am taken under a strong grip of emotions and memories. I clearly remember my first step into the outside world. Happy, proud, enthusiastic, and nervous was I standing right outside the big blue gates of St Mary's Convent. It did not take long for my enthusiasm to fade away when I got the first scolding from my teacher on the 3rd day of the class for forgetting my classroom everytime.
Time flew away quickly and I was promoted from nursery to the 1st standard. My happiness knew no bounds for the reason that I was no longer the junior most in the school and will have someone who would consider me as their senior. I had become very attached to my class teacher, and knowing that I had her as my class teacher again added to my joys. At the end of the day, I ran home to express my happiness of getting the same class teacher and becoming one year older than someone, to my family. Those were innocent joys yet so fulfilling that even today I cannot recreate them.
Class 2 was not very exciting, except that it brought me a day when I scored low in my test for the first time. Too nervous to face my dad, I decided to run away, but hunger pulled me back to my house. Oh!!! what a scolding!!! but till what effect. I scored even lower in the next test. Well! That was not the end of the tunnel. The road to success had just begun. Promising myself not to score low ever after I started working harder and more seriously. It was then when I realised for the first time what school really was.
Things went absolutely well for the rest few years. School life had started to put forth challenges, and I was slowly and steadily learning to accept them. Things started getting tedious, there were other things showing up gradually. Sports practices, independence day practices, parents day, teachers day, and labors day practices were among those few times that I really enjoyed.
Time was passing by quickly, too fast for me to get hold of it. I grew up taking the challenges that were put forth me, undergoing the changes that I was made to undergo. I was already sitting in class 10, the board class, before I even learned to accept the truth that I was no more a kid. Class 10 definately required a lot from me, and I gave my best. The results were as expected, my hard work was well paid. At this time I really appreciate my parents support of not having great expectations from me and hence not putting me under any kind of mental pressure. They were happy with what I had and so was I. Thanks to them for making my work a success.
Words are not enough or in this case even apt to describe my last two years in school. I was never bad in studies but I got even better in class 11. The farewell party for the 12's is the most memorable event in my 13 year run inside the gates of Ramnee (another name for St Mary's Convent) We had given a simply awesome farewell, one of its kind. I should not forget to take extra credit for the dance we performed on 'chori pe chori' from the movie 'Saathiya' which rocked everybody present. The dance and all other performances were super rocking. As the evening spread its wings over the sky, Miss Ramnee for the year 2004 was announced. It was the most excitable moment for all, but unfortunately many hearts were broken. Ones who expected to get the crown and did not, left depressed. Crowning ceremony was then followed by the dinner and a dance. That was my first farewell party and I enjoyed it a lot.
Class 12 was again a board class. More than that it was the last year in school, and we wanted to enjoy to the fullest. Being the senior most class there were innumerable responsiblities, especially the sports practice. We gave in our best, most of the juniors might have started hating us for making them work so hard, but All's well that ends well. Sports Day 2005 was the best sports display in the history of St Mary's Convent. Had the juniors not been so co-operative, and had there not been unity in our batch, it would have never been as successful as it was. Special thanks to the office bearers of the year 2005. The next big event was the farewell party. We were all desperately waiting for our farewell now. There had been lots of preparations for the day. while we were busy deciding which color saree and which color sandals we would wear, class 11 was busy with making batches and gifts for us. The day dawned finally. Pretty young girls, in colorful sarees and hairs let loose, glitters all around, and refreshing the air with their sweet aroma, walked down the mall road and up towards the school. The scene was magnificient, when our batch was named as 'mesmerising marquees' I now knew why it was termed as that. Eveyone looked gorgeous, simply awesome. The whole procedure which I witnessed one year back, was repeated except that the faces that were giving farewell were now being given farewell. Then followed the crowning ceremony, the dinner, and the dance. With all that, the long awaited farewell was over.
It was the end of another school year and with that it was the end of our school life. As the cold december winds filled all the young hearts with the joy of winter vacations, it brought us nervousness and pressure of the board exams.
We bid our final goodbye to each other as we walked out of the big blue gates of St Mary's for the last time. That was the saddest moment for all. We took our first step into the world whose existence was never known to us, we were no more the part of big ramnee family, no longer sang the school anthem "Bells of St mary's", and no longer did we hear the church bells ringing after that. With high hopes and aspirations all of us went into their own world, from where a lot of us never came back.
Cheers to my alma mater... I wish everyone luck and success in whatever they do.
These thirteen years in the school and those childish moments, now seem like a pale shadow that has retreated beyond the sunlight of memories.

Who set the norms???

2008-06-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

I finally found something to write about. Things have not been of real interest this summer, I am still in Bozeman, doing nothing great besides learning to cook. The best part of the summer is that I have a job and I am making some money. I am working at the SUB for two hours and the remaining hours, I work at the lab. Lab work is definately more interesting and challenging than the food service one, except that I get food benefits if I work in the SUB. This was the main reason why I chose to work at the SUB alteast for few hours even after getting a better job. Being a student employee I have to take the orders of the manager and do whatever he expects me to do. Well... I paid a huge price for my decency today. During the lunch hours, the Union Market was as busy as expected, especially the mexican grill where I work these days. The manager of the grill allows only a limited amount of hot food and toppings on each dish. He has the number of scoops fixed for each dish and expects all the employees working under him to follow what he has set. I don't think he is wrong. If he starts giving how much ever the customer wants, the business will suffer. There are customers who understand, but there are also customers who would get really obnoxious and abusive if what they ask is not fulfilled. I had a latter one today. She wanted a taco salad with three scoops of hot food, but unfortunately the taco salad carries only two scoops of hot food. She asked me for the third scoop. I very decently explained to her that what she was asking for was not possible. I could have sold it on side for extra money, but she wouldn't listen. She was very adamant on getting the third scoop of meat inside the shell. I asked the manager and as expected he refused. The customer got very angry and also very abusive, she threw her tray right infront of me, snatched the salad shell from me and went away. Was that my mistake? Had I set the norms? Then why was she angry at me? I din't know how to react, I just felt like leaving the work half way, but this is how life goes I guess. If I start worrying about such tiny stuff then I would land nowhere. I continued to take the orders. In a way it was kinda interesting to see someone creating a scene. It wouldn't have taken her much to get offensive. I thank god that I was out of her reach otherwise she would have battered my head with her tray...hehhee.
I guess the manager should be a bit easy in these matters, after all customers should leave happily and not angrily. And why do we suffer because of the rules and regulations that the manager and the other staff has set. This is simply unfair.
I have lot of questions in my mind. What was my mistake in the whole incident. I wonder if I should have secretly given her an extra scoop... but what if the manager had seen me doing that. Why would I risk my job for anyone. I guess I will now sit brooding over these questions for the rest of the evening. Anyways this is how it goes, this is why I say that the world is brutal... it is simply unfair.

end of the spring 2008 semester...

2008-05-02T13:51:00.001-07:00

Here's another finals week, I can't imagine I have all finals on the same day. The last day of classes is always good, because we just fill out the course evaluation and get out in 15 or 20 minutes at the most. Now as I look back, I see that lot of things happened over the course of the semester, good and bad, things that made me proud and things that made me feel dejected, but among all that, I managed to continue working. Time flies... I remember the beginning of the semester, things were as expected, full of excitement and enthusiasm I went to my 8:00 am class, and then went on my daily routine, 8:00 am classes, job, and labs, back to home with a huge pile of homework. How soon things got over.
I sit today, comparing last year and this year, and I see lot of changes. Things that use to give me joy, seem to have been snatched away from me, in this one semester. People have changed, their priorities have changed, and the love that bonded people together has faded over the course of this semester. I had never seen people changing so fast before this, and now when they have, it is kind of hard to accept things and especially when I am the same. I hope things get better, but it seems impossible. True is said in one of the quotes "Don't make someone your priority, when you are just an option for them." I love this quote a lot, maybe because it implies strictly on me.
Thinking about good stuff, I have really started admiring my maths instructor, her style of teaching, presenting material, and her grading rubric is awesome. Something I have not seen in any other math instructor till now. First impression is definitely not the last impression. My first reaction in the first class was "Oh god... She seems so strict" especially because of her tom boyish nature, and a loud bold voice that drowned my voice the first time she took attendance. Well, my impression changed as time went by, and now I find her one of my favorite teachers I have had so far. Cheers to the instructor... that made math so much easier...
Now its time for the finals. Hope I do well, hope this semester ends well, hope people don't change anymore, and last but not the least hope to take another class from the same math instructor :)

Samosa Party ;)

2008-04-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

Thinking about weekends makes me feel better, especially because I get to sleep more than usual :). but this weekend was superb, not because I got to sleep more but because all of us got together for a friend's birthday and had a blast. Things went much more nicer than my expectations. A yummy looking chocolate cake was cut, and that wasn't it. The most exciting part came when we decided to make samosas. It might sound stupid for some, what's the big deal in making and eating samosa, but it's only those "samosa fans" who have been in the US and have been kept away from it since an year or so, who would understand my excitement. By the way, before I forget to mention, it was all undergraduate girls party :P, we planned to take revenge from all the grad students of MSU who have been keeping us out of their parties since last few times.. hehhee just kidding ;)
Anyway things went superb, everyone had their own chores to do, and everyone did a fantastic job. I should not forget to take extra credit for folding samosa into nice looking and proper shapes, which was not expected of me. Truly speaking, I had not been into the kitchen except for taking water, when I was in India. Contributing in making samosas, and that also giving it a shape, seemed like a big achievement and a progress in the field of cooking. It felt even nicer when others were unsuccessful in giving it a shape :P
Everyone would definitely want to keep me away from hot oil and other such stuff, because of having put my finger in the boiling hot oil once in order to confirm that the oil was warm enough, :( Well that was a semester back. Ya I am trying to prove my qualification in cooking field. lol
By the way, I did not do anything as stupid as that this time, or maybe no one let me do anything. Whatever it was, things were awesome. When everyone was chopping vegetables and mashing potatoes, I too found myself a work. I became the DJ.... Raghav's 'angel eyes' added to the fun, and everyone got even more enthusiastic, and then there was a long list of rocking songs, played by the DJ, which of course was me. Eveything was now ready, samosa and spicy chatni to go with it. Music continued to rock the environment. Samosas were unbelievingly awesome.
At last everything was over, and it was time to get back to studying. ggggoooossssshhhh who wanted to study after eating such nice samosas... :(( but guess what... we had to :((
But now that we know how to make samosas, we might end up making samosas a lot, this summers. Waiting for another samosa party.... which is not too far.

Provoked...

2008-04-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

After a lot of work stress, I finally decided to do something exciting this weekend. The semester is approaching an end, studies are getting tedious, and work is all piled up. With all this in mind, I freshened up myself by watching Jagmohan Mundhra's 'Provoked'. Starring Aishwarya rai, my all time favorite, Naveen Andrews, and Nandita das, the movie is fabulous. It focuses on the issue of domestic violence. Unfortunately the movie does not turn out to be a super hit, but manages to hit a hard and realistic subject of life, which the other movie directors are reluctant to bring forth.
It is a true story of an Indian woman, who suffered violence for years from the hands of her abusive husband and finally receives freedom in jail. The movie succeeds in stirring the hearts of the audience and leaves them feeling sympathetic towards the protagonist, which in the movie is enacted by Aishwarya rai. She has in fact done a brilliant job in enacting kiranjeet ahluwalia, Naveen Andrews is awesome in his own respects.
The story goes like this: Kiranjeet, a punjabi girl, gets married to Deepak , a guy from England. She dreams of a happy married life, but it does not take long for her dreams to get shattered. Soon after their marriage, Deepak gets abusive and violent, and kiranjeet is regularly beaten up, tortured, and raped by her alcoholic and insensitive husband. Kiran finally gets sick of her husband's attitude and sets him on fire one night. She is then arrested, and kept away from her two kids which are the only hope of life, for her. With the help of her friends in jail, she stands against violence and injustice done towards the women. She also narrates her whole story in the court, and finally gets justice.
Unfortunately the film does not turn out to be a powerful one in the cinemas, but does manage to leave everyone in fits. One reason the movie was not as successful as it should have been, could be that it stresses on Kiranjeet's act of killing her husband rather than suggesting to move out of such failed marriages.
At the same time everyone did a fantastic job, cheers to the director... Hope the other directors too get motivated towards making a realistic movie like 'Provoked' that brings forth the other side of a person's life, and makes us aware of the unjust world and violence that a women has been suffering since years and still continues to, despite the vast changes in the society. Hope women too get inspired from the movie and can dare to raise their voice against any kind of injustice.
and now that the movie is over, and that I have taken a break, I should get back to studying and prepare for my finals ;).

A New Start...

2008-04-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

Here I am, back again... blogging. In case anyone is wondering, then yes... I did delete my previous blog, but realized within two days that it was a dumb idea. So here I start again. Well, this one's gonna be much more organized and interesting than the previous one. So, lets start by introducing myself. I am Shruti Sah, from a small town in India, namely Nainital. I did my high school from St Mary's Convent, Nainital, where I have spent the loveliest and most memorable days of my life, with few of my closest friends. I am presently doing my second year undergraduate at Montana State University Bozeman, and just waiting for two more years to pass by quickly and then move out of Bozeman.
My past 17 years in India, with my school friends have been the most cherishable years, and I am hoping to make my 4 years in Bozeman also something close to that, if not exactly the same. I dont mean to offend anyone, but that is the truth. School years and school friends are the best things that happens in one's life. The rest comes next. I miss my life in India, where I use to spend time with my friends and family, wandering around the lake, enjoying the cool sunset breeze, a walk at the mall, or a visit to the mountains. These things gave me that sweet joy which cannot be expressed in words, a soothing and mild effect which I have never experienced ever since I left India.
Bozeman is a beautiful place too, it has that peaceful enviornment, that soothing effect, and that mild sensation, which a nature lover searches for. Still it has not yet satisfied me in regards of its natural beauty. One reason can be, that I have not been to many places. Ignoring this fact, I still don't feel the pleasure which nature has given me in my past years. The sun setting beyond the horizon, the night taking over, rustling of leaves, a mild night breeze, and a pale yellow light with chirping of birds, prompting the beginning of a new day. The daylight would give me a strength to work harder, and the soft night breeze would bring a soothing sensation, that would cure the day's stress. These things gave me enormous and undescribable pleasure. Nothing has changed, the sun still sets, the night still takes over, and the sun rises again. Unfortunately, Bozeman has never given me that sweet pleasure which made my life live. But this is what I have to live with and I hope I can make it.